Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/22/17

I haven’t had a girls night – a proper girls night – since I was in my twenties. Of course, I’ve never maintained friendships very long because they either die or move on. But when I did, I enjoyed the occasional night of wine and ranting. Sometimes living the stereotype is just fun.

There was one woman, Emma, who persisted especially long. She was extremely outspoken and tended to get very touchy when she was drunk but there was something about her that I found endearing. Perhaps it was her brutal honesty but she’s one who I never – or rarely – thought about killing. That was a startling realization. Since I began my murder spree, I’m continuously looking for a new people to kill and who better than your friends when you’re in need of a boost? Another reason why my friends never last long; why would I invest in a relationship I’m seeking to end?

Heather was another rare exception wherein I imagined her death on almost a weekly basis but she wormed her way into my heart and now she’s too valuable to kill. I mention this because Heather asked me out for drinks “like old times” as if we’ve been going out forever – and that it’s been such a long time since we’ve seen each other. Regardless, I said yes. At this point, I am so anxious for everything to turn transition back to something normal.

On a side note, I am officially a mass murderer hunted by the local police – soon to be federal case, so my husband says. I hate being sought after because it means I need to be unreasonably careful. Not that I’ve gotten many opportunities to kill this week. It’s slowly getting noisier in my house and I can finally breathe.

Jason is starting therapy next week. I may not agree with his decision but I’ll be damned if I don’t support my son in his endeavors. Heather and I went out for drinks on Friday and it was fine. Just fine. Nothing crazy happened and no secrets were revealed. I got her caught up on work gossip, told her about the mousey new temp and encouraged her to come in to as many normal business hours as she could muster so that her  end of med leave wouldn’t be such a shock. So far she’s driven into work with me on Monday and Tuesday and I have hope for today. She’s getting better, Jason’s getting better, I’m…fine.

I know some of you have been wondering about my sister’s birthday dinner last week. I’d say it deserves its own update but I really don’t want to talk about it.

She didn’t fucking show up!

I set up this dinner, arranged it with her PO and emotionally prepared everyone in the house for any eventuality and she didn’t even show up.

“Oops. I forgot.”

She’s the one who asked for this dinner.

I can’t stand her some days – most days. I’m apparently still frustrated at something I should have already known. My sister is an extremely selfish person.

I can’t completely cut myself off from her – she’s my sister – but I can be frustrated.

So I’m frustrated.

And now I’m frustrated for the day ahead because I’ve been talking about the people in my life.

I wonder what ever happened to Emma?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/15/17

Well, Valentine’s Day was both a successful break and a total bust. I haven’t been out to kill in several weeks now and I could feel the anxiety coming on. I’ve gotten quite good at curbing my natural violent urges but that doesn’t mean I can just stop cold turkey for such a long period of time. I was getting antsy and James could see that.

How he saw it is beyond me – considering he’s barely home these days – but I’m not complaining. I’m just curious. I know that he’s working these extra hours to keep his family safe and work towards his promotion but my god, I have gone to bed without him so many times this month, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to sleep next to him. He’s got a blanket and pillow set up near the living room couch so he “doesn’t have to disturb me”. It’s frustrating.

Regardless of my feelings, James noticed that I was getting claustrophobic and offered me a very thoughtful Valentine’s gift: he babysat Heather while I went out to kill. Such a sweet gesture. However, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband on the one day we have an excuse to be romantic. But, I still accepted his gesture and went out for an evening of self-indulgence.

After last night, I may have been too desperate to make up for lost time. I think I can officially call myself a mass murderer. I’ll have to look  it up to be sure but I believe it’s just the killing of three or more people over a short period of time (an evening). At least I enjoyed myself. I got home and passed out from exhaustion but I had a good time. One happy coupe and a drunk frat boy later, and I call it a successful but frustrating Valentine’s Day.

I feel horrible, though, because James spent his romantic holiday with a slightly manic depressive murderer. Last week, I decided enough was enough and sat Heather down to talk to her about her behavior. I told her enough was enough and she needed to start moving on. I may have been harsh but I just couldn’t take it anymore. She was moaning around the house at all hours, barely speaking, or sleeping. It was too much to handle. I clearly care less about her well-being than I do my son’s so I feel no guilt or shame in physically shaking a woman out of her hysteria. She crumpled to the floor and cried for an hour before getting up, showering and sitting down at the dinner table with the rest of us. She’s been quiet but responsive and going about normal duties. She even said she’ll go back to work soon.

Except Heather is now on extended medical leave – all thanks to her very understanding supervisor – which means she is automatically off work until at least the end of the month. Of course this means I need to find a temporary secretary, a fact which I have been dreading. I always hate my temps. I hate teaching them, I hate coddling them. I’m going to bring Heather in to train her temp and I’m hoping that having a focus will help with her recovery.

That last bit of business I should tell you about is my sister. Her birthday is on tomorrow and I, in my infinite wisdom, invited her over for dinner tonight. I told her I want to celebrate everything she’s accomplished in the last few months but really I want to check in on her. Honestly, I haven’t thought about my sister in weeks – I’ve been a little busy – and have no idea what’s going on in her life and if I need to worry about her. I’m kind of hoping having her around will be a calm reprieve from the chaos of the month and a half.

Or maybe she’ll make it worse, who knows.

I’ll keep you updated.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/08/17

You know it’s too cold out when even I don’t want to go out and kill. Winter is such a tumultuous time in my line of work. On one hand, it’s too easy. People can die of exposure and fatal car accidents with little effort; on the other hand, frost bite. I like the snow and ice that accompany the bitter weather. I can use snow and ice and still complain about it to my coworkers. The cold, biting air is just a nuisance. A dangerous nuisance.

I couldn’t get my car to start yesterday and Ron said I could work from home which was nice because I hated the idea of braving that weather. However, working from home meant that I got to spend the whole day with my two maudlin serial killers.

In case you haven’t quite grasped my situation, both my son and my secretary/friend have killed someone and I have had to clean up after them. The truly tragic thing is that Heather has killed more recently than I have. Because I’ve been so busy cleaning up her mess. It’s been two weeks and she hasn’t left my house. She spent the first two days curled up on my couch not speaking, or eating, or sleeping. And then she spent a week shuffling around the house, switching between screaming and shaking, and crying and eating. I spent $200 on groceries last week because she just kept eating. And her screaming was barely coherent.  She’s officially on medical leave (courtesy of her very understanding boss) which isn’t far from the truth.

I got the full story out of her last week which is what I expected happened. Her ex-husband ran out of money, got drunk, and decided to take her back forcefully. He beat her and demanded that she quit her job so they could move. After all their years of turmoil – fighting, and leaving, and her cheating, and him cheating – she just snapped. She killed him Saturday night and sat with the body until I found her o Tuesday night. I didn’t talk about this last week but the smell was just unbearable. She was more functional at her house with a decaying dead body than she’s been at my house this past week. She’s now at a place when she’s sleeping, and eating, and showering. She talks but only for five or ten minutes at a time and then she’ll start crying or yelling about “her”. Not me or Heather. This mysterious “her”. I have no idea what it’s about but at least she’s talking. We’ve been slipping her half a sleeping pill to calm her down but for the most part, she’s not dealing with what happened.

 Jason has been handling his recent indiscretion with more ease. He spent a few days processing the situation after his father died and then he went back to work and started talking to me again. And I’m keeping to my vow; no more lies. I won’t tell him everything but if he asks me a question, I will answer honestly. This weekend he asked me if I had ever done anything like he had done and I said “yes”. He then asked if I understood what he was dealing with and said “no”. And then he asked me what to do next and I told him that there were two options: he could work to move on and live with the guilt, or he could learn how to do it better next time.

He’s going to start looking for psychotherapists tomorrow.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt by his decision to cope and move away from the family business. After what happened to Sandra, maybe this is for the best. I told him as much but I don’t think he really understand what happened to his sister. He knows more than he did before. He’s growing up in a way I didn’t expect.

I hope he’ll be okay.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/01/17

I should apologize for last week; I was genuinely in a rush and didn’t know when I would be able to give you an update so the brief breakdown was all I could provide at the time. But now I have a moment to breathe and I can catch you up on…well, everything.

To start with, I went out for drinks with Heather last Friday (or, I guess two weeks ago). My instincts were correct: she wanted to quit. I tried to talk her out of it, I really did, but she told me she would be sending in her resignation the following Monday. She gave no explanation beyond “It’s time for a change.” When she told me, I was upset. I was more than upset. I can’t quite describe the clench in my heart that made me numb on my drive home. Heather has been a constant in my life for so any years I can’t imagine what life at work would be like without her. I’d be stuck with Lydia and that is just unacceptable. Also for other, sentimental reasons which involve me feeling emotions I can’t quite describe.

Come Sunday, I was practically pacing a hole through the living room, dying to find a way to keep. Heather from leaving. Finally, I drove the half hour to her house and knocked on the door at 10pm. Surprisingly, she opened the door immediately but there was something off about her. She seemed quiet and all together rushed. I would find out later why. When she answered the door, she assured me her decision was not hasty but she would discuss it with me on Monday morning. Lo and behold, Monday morning came and Heather wasn’t at work but no email came in all day. I wanted to give her time to realise what a mistake she was making. Tuesday also came and went with no word from Heather so after work last week, I went to check on her.


I found her at home, covered in a pool of her ex-husband’s blood on her living room floor. I have never been so proud and so horrified for Heather as I have in that moment. That moment where she looked up from her crumpled position in the corner, tears staining her cheeks, eyes puffy from lack of sleep. I don’t think she’d closed her eyes since Sunday night.

Her ex-husband came back into her life a few weeks ago and was decidedly unhappy with newly found independence. His hold on her was stronger than I’ve ever seen and now he’s dead.

Like I said: proud and horrified.

She said she had to. She kept repeating that over and over again. While I cleaned up her mess, while I washed the blood off her walls, while I dragged her into the car while I grabbed my shovel. After all that, she was completely numb. I think her husband attacked her – beat her. I still don’t know how to help her. She’s been staying with me for the past week with no objection from the others. I haven’t forced her to go back to work or talk about what’s happened but it’s been a quiet, somber week in the house.

I can’t believe it’s come to this. There are three killers in my house and I’m comforting both of them.

Heather killed someone.

I don’t mean to gloss over it but I’m still coming to terms with it.

That’s been happening a lot lately. First Jason, then Heather. My worlds are colliding. I don’t like it. This is what I always wanted but not this way.

Definitely not this way.

I must attend to the numb zombies in my living room.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/25/17

I don’t have time to talk right now; I need to grab the shovel, wake up Jason, kick James off of the couch, buy groceries, rehire Heather, and deal with this raging migraine.

You know, it would be logical to write this update later when I have more time and more information to give.

But that’s less dramatic. And what’s the fun in that?

So instead I’ll let you sit with your questions and wild imagination for another week when I’ll hopefully have more time to explain just what the fuck has happened to my January.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe 

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/18/17

The thing I know you’re all wondering about – Jason – is still a work in progress but there has been progress so I haven’t quite lost hope.

He came to me Friday and asked me about Sandra’s final days. Just like that, no prompting, no warning, he just sat down beside me at the breakfast table and asked me what really happened to Sandra. I told him the truth, of course I did. I’m not going to lie to him anymore. About the big things; I’m still his mother, I can lie to him if I want to.

I was late to work but I told him about Daniel’s delusions, Sandra’s recent hobby, and that Daniel got what he deserved for what he did. I didn’t go into detail but he if asked, I would have. I told him that Sandra had urges she couldn’t control and that she knew more than she ever told either of us. Oh, I know there are things my daughter never told me. I wouldn’t expect things to be any different; but the secrets she kept from Jason were always for his protection. You may not think he needs it – especially after what’s happened – but I will keep the tradition going. He will come into his own eventually but until then, I will protect him from my world.

After we had our talk, he apologized and went back up to his room. It was over as abruptly as it had begun. He’s still processing and I don’t blame him, I just hate that it’s taking so long. He’s following his normal routine but he’s not interacting with James or I when he’s at home. It’s frustrating.

What’s more frustrating is that James hasn’t been home lately. He comes home after working erratic hours and goes straight to bed because he’s tired. I don’t doubt that he’s exhausted, I hate that he won’t talk to me about his day. Or about anything. He didn’t even come home Monday night because he thought it was easier to sleep at the station.

You, dear readers, have been my only outlet lately. James hasn’t been around for any of Jason’s struggles. I just feel alone right now. I need to be home for Jason but I can’t stand it; the isolation is killing me but I’m not killing others. I need an indoor hobby to keep my occupied. Suggestions?

Work isn’t really offering any distractions lately. Heather told me yesterday that she wants to get drinks this weekend. According to Lynda or Lydia or whatever I call her, Heather has been quiet lately and I just haven’t noticed. That’s not so unusual; Heather had her own life and own problems and drinks are a good way to vent but they’re not obligatory. We’re friends but I’m not her keeper – if she wants to talk, lord knows she will. But ever since she talked about going out, I’ve had this odd sense of dread. I think Heather’s going to quit. I don’t like this feeling. Do I-do I care about Heather?

I needed a distraction from home but more stress and worry is not what I had in mind.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/11/17

So…I want to start by saying this was not how I expected my week to go but it has been coming for a very long time. When I sat down to start writing this update, I wasn’t quite sure how to process all the things that had happened. You’re going to have to bear with me, dear readers, 2017 is off to a very unusual start.

Jason was quiet for a few days after his fight with Andrew and I wasn’t about to push him but I needed answers. Luckily I still had Andrew tied up in the laundry room. He lost three fingernails before he finally started talking to me but he eventually opened up. I was amazed he hadn’t bled out before that. I’m amazed I didn’t kill him after that.

He has a nineteen-year old daughter that he wants Jason to meet. This means he had this daughter while he was still with my sister. According to Andrew, he just wants all of his children to be together. I…I slapped him. Ha. I slapped him and I walked away. You should be so proud of my self-control. Part of me isn’t surprised that this man is such a horrible human being; and yet, I still can’t believe…my poor sister. He’s put her through enough – so I thought.

Instead, I went upstairs, poured myself a bottle of vodka and watched old episodes of Law and Order SVU. Not the most calming show but I was shaking too much to go out kill and somehow, reminding myself that there are worse people in the world was oddly comforting.

About an hour after that, I went up to check on Jason and found him sitting on the floor, fiddling with his computer system. Over the years, I’ve learned that when he’s anxious or upset, he messes with his computer.

Some people drink, some people create work to distract themselves.
I asked to join him and he invited me in. He worked in silence for a bit and then he started to talk me through his task. I hope he didn’t expect me to retain any of it because I fill out the stereotype of parents who don’t understand technology but it was so…comforting to hear my son talk about something he’s passionate about. That passion tells me that he’s going to be okay. No matter what I or anyone else in this family puts him through he will be okay.

I used to worry that Jason would never like me. We had nothing in common and his reaction to losing his mother was to shut everyone out. This twelve year old boy clung to his sister so tightly and I couldn’t reach him. Besides, I was so focused on Sandra and all of that drama. The girl whose curiosities led her to the truth – and to grow up faster than expected – got my attention more than the boy who kept quietly to himself.

When he lost his sister, I gave him his space but then I realized that it was just the two of us. Without Sandra, he had no one else and, while I will always have James, I needed Jason; the one thing I didn’t wreck.

We hung out for a few hours and then I went to make dinner.

When I say “make” I mean, go out and buy fast food. I was in no mood to cook. I knew James would be home in an hour to keep Jason away from the basement so I left him alone while I grabbed food.

I was gone for less than twenty minutes but when I came back, Jason wasn’t in his room. I didn’t think, I just dropped the food and ran downstairs.

The laundry room door was wide open. And Jason was there. He had his laundry basket on the floor and a pair of scissors in his hand. We keep a sewing kit in the laundry room. He hadn’t seen me yet but I saw the blood on the scissors and on his hands.

Andrew was dead.

I’m back.

Now I want to be clear, I wanted Andrew dead. It solved all our problems and he absolutely deserved it.

But not Jason.

When I finally got his attention, he turned to me in shock, covered in his Andrew’s blood. I froze. And then he dropped the scissors and started to cry and I found my focus.

I didn’t speak, I just led him out of that room and into the upstairs bathroom. I washed his hands, turned on the shower and closed the door – I didn’t lock it; I was very careful about that. I called James and told him it was an emergency and then I started to clean up. I got most of the blood off of the walls and the floor before James got home and he finished the rest while I checked on Jason.

When he didn’t answer my knock, I opened without hesitation. He was sitting in the shower, curled up in a ball with all his clothes still on. I cleaned him up, got him into fresh clothes, and sent him to bed. I don’t think he slept but he didn’t need to see this.

We took Jason’s bloody clothes, the scissors, the chair, and Andrew’s body, packed it into the car and drove about 45 minutes to an industrial park with very loose security. Everything got crushed or incinerated.

Three hours later, it was all over.

That was my Friday.

James went to bed and I tried so hard to stay up in case Jason needed me but I dozed off and when I woke up, he had left for work. I didn’t expect him to go but I called his manager and they confirmed that he was working the front counter. He got home right after his shift, went up to his room, then I didn’t see him for the rest of the weekend. I expected this response. As much as I wanted to sit him down and ask just what the hell happened, I knew that Jason would shut down and get closed off.

What I didn’t prepare for was Monday night when I got home from work. He stopped me in the kitchen and yelled at me – really, honestly, yelled at me. He cussed me out for his mother, his sister, his father, for keeping secrets; he blamed me for everything. Then he walked out of the house and I sat on the couch to wait for him. James got home around 10 and made me dinner, because I’d forgotten, and then went to bed.

He’s been working such long hours lately, I don’t begrudge him for needing sleep. Sometimes, I’d like the company and support.

Jason got home just after midnight, he sat on the couch beside me, and we watched Die Hard because it was the only thing on.

Yesterday, he was in his room when I got home and I suspect the same thing will happen today. I am giving him space. I will not push him. He will come to me when he’s ready. I have to believe that. The alternative is that I lose my son and I will not have that.

I’m still trying to fully understand what happened.

I know what happened but it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

Andrew is dead.

Jason is lost.

I’m screwed.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe