Wednesday, 28 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/28/17

Well it worked. I ran over a mailman – which is slightly inconvenient but effective. The next day, the city was there fixing the lights. After the police cleared out of course. It proves the working theory that real change doesn’t happen until you take action. That is by no means a suggestion to start a revolution but I find, dear readers, that you have to take what you want. A life, a new job, infrastructural change, you have to make it happen.

This is a very motivational post – which is apparently my thing right now – but I mean it.

I’ve even been trying to implement my new positive attitude at work. I took Heather out to lunch on Friday, just to check in with her. I know living at home and dealing with her ex-husband’s brutal murder – by her – hasn’t been easy but she seems to be all right. We had a nice chat, caught up on work gossip, the usual stuff. But then she asked me: “so who have you killed lately?” And you know what? I told her about the mailman. It felt good to talk to someone about my life – other than you, my dear readers – without fear of repercussions. James hasn’t been there lately. He’s been around but we haven’t talked about our day in weeks. I know we’ve both been busy and we’ve absolutely had conversations but not once this month have we stopped to take an interest in each other. I’m overthinking things, obviously, but when I sit down once a week and think about what’s been happening I start to notice patterns. I’ve also noticed that change is slow.

So I say, keep moving forward, keep learning, act out.

But don’t rebel. That always gets messy.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/21/17

Did you know that banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories? A reader sent me a few random facts to “get me started” on my new project of gaining new skills. Thank you, dear reader, I appreciate the sharing of knowledge. That was probably my favourite fact. It has practical applications. I wondered if banging someone else’s head against a wall would burn as many calories so I went in search of a new victim.

I found a cashier on his break, smoking in the alley behind the store.

While I’m thinking about it: how awesome are alleys? I couldn’t kill half as many people if I didn’t have a poorly lit back way around the city. Speaking of “poorly lit”; the streetlights turning into my neighbourhood have been off for over a month now and the city has done nothing about it. You can’t see a thing. I’ve nearly run over three pedestrians this month and I didn’t want to – I mean I WANTED to but that my intention was not kill them.

Although, maybe if there was an accident in our neighbourhood, the city would come and fix the lights. I know what I`m doing on my way to work today.

Anyways, I found a cashier, turned the calorie tracker on my phone, and tested my theory. You can actually burn more calories banging someone else’s head than hurting yourself. Just think about that next time you’re feeling frustrated.

Also some interesting facts this reader sent to me:

A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it’s born.

The first alarm clock could only ring at 4am.

I don’t know how useful this information is but now you know something you probably didn’t and this blog, if anything, aims to be educational.

That’s a lie; anything I’ve taught my readers over the years has been entirely unintentional. Although I hope you have learnt something. You shouldn’t walk through life ignorant. That’s the whole point of this new endeavor of mine. Learn something completely new. Don’t be afraid to experiment and ask questions.

This has been a really “feel good” kind of update but you know what? I’m feeling pretty good right now and I’m not ashamed. I’m having a good day and even if someone disagrees, I will still have a good day.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/14/17

You know what I never really got? Musicals. I consider myself a fairly open-minded individual and I would never belittle those who pursue the arts but people breaking into song and dance sporadically is just bizarre. Even more troubling are the people who are in the background dancing along with the main characters. No matter what they’re doing they have to drop everything in order to sing a few notes about a situation they know nothing about. Can other people hear when they’re singing solos? And what about when two people are singing a duet in different places? How do they know they’re even in the right key? And don’t even get me started on the synchronized dance routines.

The reason I bring this up is the same reason I use a blog that my sister had to set up for me.

I am not technologically-inclined.

I’m not incapable of using my smart phone or various aspects of the internet but when it comes to social media, I feel perpetually behind. There’s always something that I don’t catch on to until months or years later. Over the weekend several of my Facebook friends changed their profile photo to include the message “Theatre Inspires” even though I don’t think any of them have been to see a live show in several years. They were following the trend inspired by the Tony Awards. Kevin Spacey hosted? That’s weird, right? I had no idea he was involved with musicals.

It highlighted a blind spot in my career as a murderess. I have a lot of knowledge about some small areas but I need to expand my horizons; learn more about social media, about musicals, about motorcycle repair – I don’t know. If I am going to live and kill in this world, I need to know more about it.

So to you, dear readers, I offer this: teach me something new. A fun fact or skill, something more than I knew before. Help me grow.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/07/17

How is it already June?

This year has gone by so quickly and so much has happened; politically, internationally, emotionally…

Andrew’s death, then Heather’s drama, then all the little things that piled up after that. It’s actually been a fairly lax year compared to others. I haven’t had a deranged private investigator out to kill me, I haven’t been institutionalized in an effort to break my addiction to murder, I haven’t had to deal with the loss of a child, or of a friend. It’s been a fairly uninspiring year in terms of kills. I hate to think that I’ve hit a rut.

The reason I’ve been a little reflective this week is because I got a call from a detective at the local precinct. Apparently, they’re reopening the investigation into the death of our neighbour’s babysitter and wanted to reinterview all of her acquaintances. I don’t even remember killing Cassandra but according to my notes, I was delirious and irritable from the cold meds and I grabbed her on New Year’s Eve and disposed of her body in the woods. Nothing unusual or worth noting but her case has changed hands and the new detective is starting from scratch. Annoying to be sure but it was a nice trip down memory lane. When I say “nice”, I mean depressing. I sometimes wonder why my life has taken this path. I’ve never missed having an ordinary upbringing or my choice to become a serial killer. But I have days where my life feels so boring or routine. Even on the craziest days, it’s just a part of my life. I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d taken a different path. Would I be happier or calmer, or lonelier? Are there things in my life I could be doing better?

This is what happens when I hit a rut. Don’t let me do it again.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/31/17

This week’s update is brought to you by the rolling meat cleaver. I’ve used a meat cleaver before – obviously, it’s such a fantastic tool – but last week, James brought me home a rolling meat cleaver. Some men bring home flowers, some bring home useful, personalized items. He’s amazing – as is this tool. It is exactly how it sounds: it rolls, latches onto skin, and just pulls. And bashes. And tears.

It’s so pretty. Like it’s Christmas all over again. But actually fun.

I’ve just been playing with it all weekend. My husband is very pleased with himself – as he should be. I love my present.

Things are just happy right now, I’m in my bubble of contentment right now. Nothing can ruin my mood.


Shit.

I just said that so something horrible is going to happen in the next week or so.

Shit.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/24/17

It’s finally summer and I’m loving it. I love the cool breezes, the warm sun, the endless construction zones in which I can hide bodies. I don’t often bury my victims because I like hearing about the discovery and investigation right away. I need to know what areas I need to improve on. Plus I hate surprises – for obvious reasons – and there’s less control when you hide something in a public place.

The only exception is construction zones and wet cement. I learned in my 20s how to operate a lot of the onsite equipment and it does come in handy. I’d like to think that hundreds of years later, they’ll find hundreds of bodies buried under the city and have no idea where to begin.

Summer also means vacation time. James and I haven’t gone away in what feel like forever and we’re absolutely due for a break. I’m going to talk to him tonight about renting a cabin or going out to the beach. Just getting away for the weekend will do us some good. With all that’s been going on lately we haven’t had the easiest time. Not that we aren’t having sex. There’s just…a block. I can’t describe it. But now that the weather is nice, I think some fresh air will do us good.

I hope you are all enjoying the sun. And have a productive week.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/17/17

I apologize for not updating last week. I could have updated you on Thursday but why bother? Then it wouldn’t be a “mid-week” update.

Side note: it’s too late to change it now but I wish this blog had a better title. This is so generic.

Moving on.

Last Tuesday night I had to drive down to the police station to pick up my son. Jason was fine but I was asked to drive him home due to trauma. He witnessed a train accident downtown and helped to provide information and context for the paramedics and police investigation. When I came to get him, the officer accompanying him confided that he was quiet and withdrawn and they worried about the effect the accident had on him. I almost laughed but I realize that Jason is dealing with death a little differently than I am.

So when we got home, I opted to talk to him about what was going on. He was quiet on the ride home but as we sat in the driveway, he confessed that the sight of blood now makes him shaky. He wanted to help and did as much as he could but he can’t stop shaking.

Instead of sending him off to bed, I drive to the nearest Denny’s – because at this point it was nearly midnight – where we sat and ate until he felt a little more stable. We didn’t talk except about everyday life; work, friends, school. A little after 4am we finally drove home and we both went straight to bed.

Unfortunately, I didn’t hear my alarm go off the next morning and I was scrambling to make it to work on time. I was late, by the way. The update completely slipped my mind until I was driving home at the end of the day and by then, I didn’t think it was necessary.

I’m sorry I didn’t update last week, I was taking care of my son. Sometimes other things take priority.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe