Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/11/17

I’ve never been overly athletic. I’ve gained muscle and some stamina from my extra-curricular activities but I’m not skinny or a picture of health. I’d like to think that I can still do all the things I want to do, despite my body.

A victim got away from me yesterday and I had to chase him down to kill him. I was winded and it took significant effort to finally subdue him. I think I should face the fact that I’m not as young as I once was. I know how time works – I know that I’m getting older – but in the past, I didn’t have to work as hard to chase someone down or snap their neck. The simple answer is that I need to start going to the gym or working out at home OUTSIDE of my murder sprees. It’s not shameful; it’s just facts.

Still, I’ll admit it was a little disheartening when I couldn’t do something that once came so easily to me. I can be proud that I’m doing something I truly enjoy – not for a full-time job but certainly a priority in my life; and I’m definitely more fit than most of my colleagues at the office.

I’m going to be more physically active this week. Walk to work. Maybe hit the gym. I’ll talk to James and see if there’s something we can do together. I think it’d be good for us to find a couple’s activity outside the bedroom. It certainly couldn’t hurt our communication skills – they’re not bad, there’s just always room for improvement.

That’s the theme for the week: Always Room for Improvement.

I’m sure this is basic grammar but why do we capitalize some words in a title but not others? If there are any English majors in my reader-base, please comment and let me know.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/04/17

Ah the first fall of snow. It's cold, slushy, and perfect for body disposal. The body may be eventually found but all of that mush and snow destroys crime scene evidence. It's more than never getting caught, it's knowing that they are so close and will never get there. Now once winter properly hits, it presents its own challenges but that first snow makes me feel like a kid again: I just want to play.

The first snow fall also makes finding victims easier. People forget how to drive for a few hours that morning. I thought I would be more frustrated with them but it’s tradition now. People who had the foresight to get their tires changed before the first snow are possible more annoying. I would make an appointment to get my tires changed except the rest of the week calls for sunny skies and warm weather. Is it worth it? You’d think these minor daily problems wouldn’t plague me but those are the things that should get to you; the things you can change. Let it bother you for a little bit, then fix it and move on. That’s how I handle laundry, at least.

Yesterday I drove past one of those chain mechanic shops and followed one of their customers home. I garroted him what turned out to be a few blocks from his house. Tragic. The news attributed it to gang violence which is apparently a problem in that area.

I really need to thank the gangs of this city and area. They get blamed for so much of my shit. I should send them a basket. What do gangs like? Fruit? Guns? Do you think they’re muffin people? Where would I even leave it?

Questions that will plague me until I find a solution.

Do I have any gang-affiliated readers? Let me know; I’ll order an Edible Arrangement.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/27/17

As promised, I approached my new project on Monday morning. Now, I want to make it clear: this woman isn’t going to die for several months. We’re playing the long game on this one. Especially in the early days, when we’re getting to know each other, I won’t have much to share about this project. This whole week is about establishing myself as a regular feature in her life.

We’re going to call her Mary because that’s easy to remember.

I will probably forget by next week.

I should apologize for all those times I’ve forgotten one of the “code names” over the years. I use them to help protect everyone’s identity but I don’t always write things down or remember to go back and look at the names I’ve used. Bless you, dear readers, for sticking with me after all this time. I don’t always put as much effort into this blog as I could.

Anyways,

Maggie came in on Monday at her usual time. I stood in the pick up section and “accidentally” grabbed her drink instead of mine. I expected it to lead to a light-hearted introduction. Instead, I got her coffee thrown down my dress and a few choice words I won’t even use on this blog. I was 2 seconds from following her out the door and slitting her throat but I opted to be kind and patient. At least for one more day. I had to go home and change so I was late for work but all in all, it wasn’t a horrible day.

Year-end means we’re still sort and filing, and labeling, and dealing with temps. Heather has barely been at her desk the past few days.

Tuesday morning, Mary arrived at the same time – again – but this time, after receiving her drink, she came over to my table. She asked if she could sit and I let her. She then apologized for yesterday, saying she had just received some unfortunate news and clearly didn’t take it well. I agreed, and let her hand me a few dollars to cover my dry-cleaning (jokes on her, I just threw that old sweater dress in the laundry). She then called over her older gentleman friend and the three of us drank and chatted for a little while before I honestly had to leave for work. It definitely wasn’t because our conversation was boring as fuck.

Seriously, how can one person be so obsessed with reality television and know nothing about the real world? I am certainly not one to talk at length about politics but she didn’t have one thing to contribute to the conversation except for localized celebrity gossip. Why do you care so much?

More than patience for the long-kill, I’m going to need all of my self-control in order to keep a feigned interest in this woman’s life.

Give me strength.

Hopefully something – anything will have happened today. I need something to ignore as I drink my overpriced coffee. She better be worth it.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/20/17

You know what I haven’t done in YEARS? A good old-fashioned murder mystery. One targeted murder, a full investment in the victim’s family, several reasonable suspects for the police to arrest, and so much unnecessary drama. I thought about this last week on my way home from work. I would need to find someone easy with lots of “friends” with a motive.

I’ve been watching this woman at a local coffee shop.

You know I’ve never put much stock in the old coffee shop trope but routines are important when hunting for victims. Any good killer knows that. So I’ve been watching this woman at a local coffee shop – wasting tens of dollars on slightly burnt pumpkin spice – and I think she might be the one.

She comes in every day at the same time with this man who looks at least 20 years older. He always pays for whatever she orders. She always kisses him on the cheek and smiles lovingly. But as soon as he gets up, she’s on her phone. I came in on Sunday and she was there alone; still on her phone. There were a few other people I recognized but no one did more than nod in her direction. The entire time she was there, though, she didn’t order anything. She sat at that table for hours. I played so many games of solitaire on my laptop – I officially suck at solitaire by the way – and then around 5pm she just left. Monday morning, she was back with her elderly gentleman. It was odd.

I’m headed there before work to see what she’s up to. I suspect more sitting and texting. Should be very entertaining. Maybe I’ll give it a week before striking up a conversation. I need to know what I’m getting myself into.

In the meantime, I figure one or two kills a week will keep me going. I find when I’m working on a long project like this, I need to blow off steam; do something that’s not necessarily challenging or mentally engaging, but fun.

Me-time is very important to mental health, dear readers. If I’ve taught you anything over the years – it’s probably not mental health. But if I’VE learned anything about certain trips to the psychiatric ward, it’s that you can’t cut yourself off completely from the things you enjoy.

Projects like this are hard but the reward is 10 times what a regular kill offers. Still, keeping up the routine is just as important for killers as it is for victims. Familiarity breeds contentment. That’s the phrase right? I’m pretending it is.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/13/17

You guys are lucky to even get an update this week. I remembered it was Wednesday as I was walking out the door and I’m typing this in the 15 minutes before anyone else gets in and catches me writing at work.

Let’s see…

The world is in chaos.

I’m killing at a fairly consistent pace.

Jason is working.

James is working.

I’m working.

It’s all…working.


I’m sorry, dear readers. I am just not in the mood to write a fluffy update when I have nothing to write about. Sometimes everyday things just aren’t exciting. Sometimes I don’t want to tell you about my day. It feels like there HAS to be something interesting each week but there just isn’t.

You know, I started this blog as a way to express my dark urges and share my murderous whimsy but it feels like more of a chore some days.

I know that’s why I forced this weekly deadline on myself – so I wouldn’t bottle anything up, and I could share everything safely, and document my life. But on the days when I don’t have to overwhelming urge to express myself, these updates can feel forced.

Maybe I…

Maybe I need to find something exciting to write about.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/06/17

And thus begins the months of business hell. September is when we have to keep every record, make sure storage is cleared and organized, and store every little detail on file. It’s when we hoard everything and simultaneously clear the decks. It’s when we hire a lot of temps.

Ah temps: the necessary evil.

Now, I’ve done it. I’ve worked the odd hours and done the jobs no one else would do just to pay rent. I get it. I hated it. But if a temp isn’t good at their job it makes life so much harder. Meet Sally the Temp. She tries hard…that’s about it. Two days, and I have spent more time fixing her mistakes than I have doing my own work. Well, technically Heather has spent all that time fixing Sally’s mistakes. I may as well officially lend my assistant to babysitting the temps. She’s going to hate me when I tell her today. As long as she keeps Sally away from my desk for 5 minutes today, it’ll be worth it.

I am determined not to kill any of the temps until all the work is done. I’m trying to be a little more considerate of my fellow coworkers. They may not kill to vent their frustrations but plenty of them have their own little…quirks.

Like Roger who wears women’s underwear for “good luck” when his team is playing. Or Christine who has a written warning about watching porn at work that I’m absolutely not supposed to know anything about. Or Kal who knits during his lunch break (the secret is, he’s really bad at it). Or Dana who pours a little bit of alcohol into every single cup of coffee she drinks. I’ve yet to find the source of her drinking habit, but I’m sure it’s a good one.

I know I shouldn’t gossip about my coworkers and normally I don’t care unless it’s really juicy. Honestly, office gossip is a nice distraction from the monotony of work.

And now I get why Dana drinks.

It must be so boring to be ordinary. To feel the need to develop a ritual or distraction to escape from the everyday.

I’m sorry, that sounded incredibly condescending. I sometimes forget that not everyone is so willing to accept their indulgences. People are so funny. Why shouldn’t we embrace our quirks. Granted, my quirk is technically illegal but the point stands: don’t be ashamed to be the stuff of gossip. Own your awful quirks.

This has been your daily motivation from your favourite serial killer.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/30/17

Not much to report this week. I’m trying to enjoy the warm weather while it’s still here. It seems like half the office is off on vacation – though, in reality, it’s only two. It was just two of the productive ones. Everything has been quiet at home. I know I haven’t talked about them in a while but that’s just because everything is okay.

I think we’re out of milk.

That’s as crazy as it gets right now. I think I’ve talked about this before but lulls aren’t bad. It’s when you start obsessing that lulls become dangerous. I suppose that’s true of everything; if you let it consume your thoughts it’ll take over every part of you.

Look at me, with the semi-clever lines.

As I said; all’s well.


I cannot think about it; the lull. Like a calm before the storm. This happens every time and yet I never learn. Maybe I never will.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe